The WIP Raven Post #3 So many things...but too much Burnout

In which I try to keep my creative spark alive, but I'm also healing.

I’ve wanted to have a blog-type platform where I share my creative journey (for both my art and writing) for a long time now, but I realize I keep putting it off or not thinking about it because I keep wanting to have the perfect conditions. An ideal time, a perfect story, a perfect artwork I could share. Lately, it’s dawned on me how there may be a part of me that cringed at the idea of being too vulnerable, especially as I got into the new Socmed app, Threads, which is basically just another Twitter.

By vulnerable, I mean sharing my moments of imposter syndrome or whatever lingering emotions of resentment and melancholy I have about toiling away at a Day Job I dislike, over pursuing and having time for my artistic goals. I would share about it on Threads, but then would get this feeling of regret. “Maybe I should not have posted that.” Or, “Maybe it ruins the artistic vibe of my page.”

To begin with, I don’t think a lot of people even see my content, let alone linger on my page long enough to notice a vibe. It is both sad and yet, possibly, should have been freeing.

I think this discomfort with sharing the messy bits also comes with a fear of appearing too whiny, despite the fact that this is a common thing other creatives go through. I overthink how I would come across—probably in more ways than one—that it might’ve been limiting the joy of just creating and sharing.

So, this is me right now. Trying to share anyway.

I’ve been reading about Frida Kahlo lately and I’m thinking about her now as I write this. The book, “Frida Kahlo: An Illustrated Life” by María Hesse”, has given me a somewhat abridged version of her life. What I’ve gleaned from it is how, in spite of all struggles and melancholy, Frida remained authentic and true to her art…and shared it anyway. Maybe I’m inspired by that, though I know that priorities, goals, desires, and circumstances would vary from one creative to another.

Lately, my struggles and melancholy have come in the form of my Day Job. My nothing-to-do-with-what-I-wanted Day Job, but it gets me out of unemployment and puts money in my pocket which I do need to pay for books, food, and art supplies. Not a new story there.

It’s almost a year since I got the job, I’m actually surprised I made it this far, though I’ve developed depression from it and an on-again-off-again burnout. It’s kept me from finishing and releasing my second book, forcing me to keep pushing the dates and, ultimately, leading me to pull it out of the calendar altogether until I could finish it on a new, un-deadlined, pace. I would be lying if I’d say having to rearrange my writing goals didn’t at all make me discouraged.

I’d taken this day job so that I could fund this writing thing, but now I barely have the time and energy for it. It’s been like all I’ve been posting on my Instagram—how I’m struggling. There would be weeks wherein I wouldn’t post on Instagram at all because I don’t what to say anymore.

And then, I just couldn’t write or edit or even face my work.

I got burned out quite thoroughly after the last release pushback. I know that, as an independent author, the choice to move and release is my own, but it still stings. It still left me feeling hopeless.

I can’t be the only writer or creative saddled with a job that has nothing to do with what I studied for, let alone dreamed about. That should have been more comfort knowing those who went before me actually still persisted, but as an introvert with a job that requires me to entertain people, I’m left with very little energy when I get home.

But then I’d still miss it. The rush of creative possibility. The hope of it all.

After Heart and Hero was published it was like I was given hope that I could continue to do this.

I had a new hope that it was possible to make more books and actually follow a dream that I’d initially thought wasn’t possible. Suddenly I was coming up with back-to-back novel ideas, writing down all my creative goals about making blogs or starting a Ko-Fi. The ambition even trickled down onto my illustrator dreams of thinking I could one day make up a good portfolio or even have the time and energy to start up a webtoon.

I’m not saying that the dream is gone or that I’ll stop trying to get there, it’s just that, right now or in some days, I feel exhausted.

Some days I would feel bad for the unfairness of it all.

On the bright side…

I always try to end a write-up with a positive, hopeful, note. For the past week, I haven’t been writing, but I tell myself it’s time to rest and gather energy to fight the burnout in the month to come. I will try again. I will get back up again.

I’ve been reading again and getting inspired to read. I’ve been looking forward to stories even if I don’t always get the time for them in my breaks at work. I’ve been feeling the pull of craft books—I mean the writing and artistic life kinds—tutorials, mini-courses, and art vlogs too. Though, I would still have to fight the onset of comparison and wish I could be like them from time to time.

I’ve had some time to paint and experiment with art in my sketchbook for two days in a row, which is good. When I can’t write, I do art.

I think, if I can do art, it’s only a matter of time before I put my hands on the keyboard and find the words again.